Time with friends that I know is genuine. Finally!
Fulfillment in the Lord. Not even desiring a relationship because my thoughts are so wrapped up in the Creator.
Beginning to feel a part of the community I left behind two years ago.
Starting to engage Lexington through service.
Seeing redemption in things broken, things I previously found to be hopeless.
This is where I am at present.
This is where the layers of false understanding fall off and are replaced with faith.
This is the time of my Eustace baptism from Asalan.
Right now life is a lot like dying.
Dying to self.
Dying to preconceptions.
Dying to what I thought I desired.
Right now life is a lot like real living.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I Want to Explore...
(1) The Underwater Sculpture Park off the coast of the West Indies. 
"The aim of the Sculpture Park is to create a unique space which highlights environmental processes and celebrates local culture. By creating an artificial reef of sculptures which depict Grenadian peoples and their history, the project fulfils its dual purpose of protecting the marine environment and illustrating the richness of Grenada."
(2) The Helix Hotel yet to be built which will be in Dubai.
(3) Ice Skating at Rockefeller Center in NYC.
Everyone is familiar with this one. Though it may be cliche', I am totally for strapping on those skates and sailing through the bitter cold.
(4) The Cadillac Ranch Sculpture West Of Amarillo, Texas. My friend Jocelin has seen this, and after seeing it on ArtBus, I want to as well. The picture doesn't do it justice by the way. Please look this baby up!
(5) The Growing Tree Building of Sanfte Strukturen "There is something s imply amazing about growing any building – but particularly marvelous when it might take over twenty years to develop and can be the center of gatherings of over 80,000 people at a single time. The structures of Sanfte Strukturen are often the center of communities – common spaces meant to bring people together under a single living and growing roof." In other words, it's the ultimate project green!
"The aim of the Sculpture Park is to create a unique space which highlights environmental processes and celebrates local culture. By creating an artificial reef of sculptures which depict Grenadian peoples and their history, the project fulfils its dual purpose of protecting the marine environment and illustrating the richness of Grenada." (2) The Helix Hotel yet to be built which will be in Dubai.
(3) Ice Skating at Rockefeller Center in NYC.
Everyone is familiar with this one. Though it may be cliche', I am totally for strapping on those skates and sailing through the bitter cold.(4) The Cadillac Ranch Sculpture West Of Amarillo, Texas. My friend Jocelin has seen this, and after seeing it on ArtBus, I want to as well. The picture doesn't do it justice by the way. Please look this baby up!
(5) The Growing Tree Building of Sanfte Strukturen "There is something s imply amazing about growing any building – but particularly marvelous when it might take over twenty years to develop and can be the center of gatherings of over 80,000 people at a single time. The structures of Sanfte Strukturen are often the center of communities – common spaces meant to bring people together under a single living and growing roof." In other words, it's the ultimate project green!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Throwing off What Hinders
I was petting a few of our kittens the other day and thinking about when they were even smaller. Their mom was feral, and she was always trying to put them in dark environments. The kittens hated it and would crawl away the moment she wasn't looking to frolic in the sunshine. But the funny thing is that after the momma cat deserted the kittens, they would still crawl back into these awful, dark, and dirty places every night and sometimes during the day. They went back to these places because they were familiar. The kittens eyes were barely opened, and they knew their way around the dingy parts of the barn or the underpinning of the house. Even though they still hated being in darkness, they chose the familiar.
This is actually the perfect example of what we do as Christians when we hold onto the familiar sins that we cherish. After the Holy Spirit becomes a part of our lives, we are technically no longer blinded. The blindfold has been removed. But, like the apostle Saul/Paul, it takes a while for us, even after the moment of revelation occurs, to fully adapt to seeing in a world that is different than what we initially thought. I rediscovered a sin pattern this past week that has plaguing me for quite some time. I learned that though I am no longer fully blinded by the patterns of the world, I still don't quite see with God's eyes. I see with my own fallen vision, a vision that though better than before is still not fully formed.
It's funny that even after we receive the wonderful gift called Salvation we still cling to the familiar, the sins, that though comfortable are by no means beneficial.
C.S. Lewis once said,"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
We are often pleased by what our lives offered before we were children of God. Though we throw away some of the sin that hinders us, we very rarely run the race to the best of ability. We give ourselves handicaps, dragging a foot or two behind us because we can't imagine a full turn around. We would often rather eat "mud pies" than experience the full vision and plan of Christ. This is because the mud pies are familiar and it takes faith to run a race that only God knows the outcome of.
We would often rather sit in the McDonald's parking lot stuffing our faces with carbs than run a race mapped out for us, a race that makes our lives have meaning, a race that with each step helps us see more fully. When we do chose to run with no inhibitions, amazing things happen. With each meter mark, a piece of the blindfold falls to the ground, and we begin to see what we have missing by taking so many water breaks and lagging behind when we should be pressing forward.
This is actually the perfect example of what we do as Christians when we hold onto the familiar sins that we cherish. After the Holy Spirit becomes a part of our lives, we are technically no longer blinded. The blindfold has been removed. But, like the apostle Saul/Paul, it takes a while for us, even after the moment of revelation occurs, to fully adapt to seeing in a world that is different than what we initially thought. I rediscovered a sin pattern this past week that has plaguing me for quite some time. I learned that though I am no longer fully blinded by the patterns of the world, I still don't quite see with God's eyes. I see with my own fallen vision, a vision that though better than before is still not fully formed.
It's funny that even after we receive the wonderful gift called Salvation we still cling to the familiar, the sins, that though comfortable are by no means beneficial.
C.S. Lewis once said,"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
We are often pleased by what our lives offered before we were children of God. Though we throw away some of the sin that hinders us, we very rarely run the race to the best of ability. We give ourselves handicaps, dragging a foot or two behind us because we can't imagine a full turn around. We would often rather eat "mud pies" than experience the full vision and plan of Christ. This is because the mud pies are familiar and it takes faith to run a race that only God knows the outcome of.
We would often rather sit in the McDonald's parking lot stuffing our faces with carbs than run a race mapped out for us, a race that makes our lives have meaning, a race that with each step helps us see more fully. When we do chose to run with no inhibitions, amazing things happen. With each meter mark, a piece of the blindfold falls to the ground, and we begin to see what we have missing by taking so many water breaks and lagging behind when we should be pressing forward.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Ramblings of a Slightly Bitter "Friend"
So, I don't mean to start griping right after I posted an encouraging note on this blog, but I have a few things I simply need to type out. Hardly anyone even reads this thing, but honestly it doesn't much matter. I've been using it to get thoughts and emotions out so that I won't go crazy this summer. So here's the thoughts that are plaguing my mind tonight...
I've been discovering that though I tend to think I have all of these great friendships, I got most of them because of connections with other people. I've been seeing that though others care about me, they care about the more interesting people to a greater degree. I'm honestly not as outgoing, crazy fun, and spontaneous as I once was. These aspects are still part of my personality, but I've also become more grounded. Grounded people are not as sought out these days. I am no longer the life of the party who must always be invited. I'm boring. Commonplace. Mature. It's funny that I never noticed that my connections to crazier folks are the things that actually bring me into the social world most of the time. I'm not saying that I desire this huge group of people to want to be a part of my life all of the time or that I need to be the center of attention. I don't. What I am saying is that a lot of my friendships that are not as valid as I once thought.
People send me emails asking for other people's addresses all of the time. People call me to get lists of other people to invite to parties. I'm the chick with the connections, but I am not the main person who others want around. They want the people I have in my back pocket around, and though this speaks highly of my choice in exciting friends...it also means that I am often not valued for me. I am valued for what I have to offer. I am discovering that this has been the case for most of my life.
People only call when they want advice. People call me when they want to have a good cry and hear some bible verses. People call me when they want a night out with a big group because they know I can make it happen. People call me when they need a job, a house, etc. because they know I won't quit until I find them what they need. People call me when they feel uncreative. I quote poets or say inspiring things on nature walks, and these things are used for paintings, pieces of literature, or an impetus to get the creative juices flowing in the first place. Being used as a vessel for God is great, but being used period is not.
Returning home to Lexington after living six and half hours away for so long has been hard as well. I know that in order to make friends you have to seek them out, and I am beginning to do so. But, I must say that it gets harder when you return home a stranger. I'm not the girl most people remember. I feel like the new girl in high school who everyone finds admirable but no one finds worthy of pursuing. Girls tell me I'm pretty, and we chat a bit. Guys look at me like they find the way I speak of God to be inspiring. But both look at me like they don't know me, don't understand me, like I am some weird new vase that they don't want to invest in. I'm good for displaying at bible studies, and I'm great for calling when things get bad. But no one ever puts flowers in me. No one ever wants me for me. No one ever seeks me out.
I know that real connections take time, but I am only here for the summer. I feel like I am pouring myself out only to be left empty over and over again. I know that God fills me up and that He works best when when we are empty. But I feel so used. Unvalued. You fill in the blank. I don't mean to ramble on and say depressing things. I suppose I just needed to vent.
I've been discovering that though I tend to think I have all of these great friendships, I got most of them because of connections with other people. I've been seeing that though others care about me, they care about the more interesting people to a greater degree. I'm honestly not as outgoing, crazy fun, and spontaneous as I once was. These aspects are still part of my personality, but I've also become more grounded. Grounded people are not as sought out these days. I am no longer the life of the party who must always be invited. I'm boring. Commonplace. Mature. It's funny that I never noticed that my connections to crazier folks are the things that actually bring me into the social world most of the time. I'm not saying that I desire this huge group of people to want to be a part of my life all of the time or that I need to be the center of attention. I don't. What I am saying is that a lot of my friendships that are not as valid as I once thought.
People send me emails asking for other people's addresses all of the time. People call me to get lists of other people to invite to parties. I'm the chick with the connections, but I am not the main person who others want around. They want the people I have in my back pocket around, and though this speaks highly of my choice in exciting friends...it also means that I am often not valued for me. I am valued for what I have to offer. I am discovering that this has been the case for most of my life.
People only call when they want advice. People call me when they want to have a good cry and hear some bible verses. People call me when they want a night out with a big group because they know I can make it happen. People call me when they need a job, a house, etc. because they know I won't quit until I find them what they need. People call me when they feel uncreative. I quote poets or say inspiring things on nature walks, and these things are used for paintings, pieces of literature, or an impetus to get the creative juices flowing in the first place. Being used as a vessel for God is great, but being used period is not.
Returning home to Lexington after living six and half hours away for so long has been hard as well. I know that in order to make friends you have to seek them out, and I am beginning to do so. But, I must say that it gets harder when you return home a stranger. I'm not the girl most people remember. I feel like the new girl in high school who everyone finds admirable but no one finds worthy of pursuing. Girls tell me I'm pretty, and we chat a bit. Guys look at me like they find the way I speak of God to be inspiring. But both look at me like they don't know me, don't understand me, like I am some weird new vase that they don't want to invest in. I'm good for displaying at bible studies, and I'm great for calling when things get bad. But no one ever puts flowers in me. No one ever wants me for me. No one ever seeks me out.
I know that real connections take time, but I am only here for the summer. I feel like I am pouring myself out only to be left empty over and over again. I know that God fills me up and that He works best when when we are empty. But I feel so used. Unvalued. You fill in the blank. I don't mean to ramble on and say depressing things. I suppose I just needed to vent.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Rebirth of an Understanding
The other night I was at a very Godly woman's house for a bible study. We were having a group discussion about a study called "Living Free" by Beth Moore. Now...I have been to my share of bible studies, and normally I leave with a happy yet unchanged heart. I understand that this is not a good thing and is probably the result of an unteachable spirit which results from pride (my personal Black Death). After this one, however, I left with a nail in my left atrium. We discussed the strongholds in our lives.
I figured out that though I would love to state that God is the stronghold in my life, this is not the case in practice. The stronghold in my life is...you guessed it...me. Not a very good stronghold. Certainly not a strong tower that the righteous run to and are safe. And most definitely not the type of stronghold that brings comfort and relief. I almost always play Mrs. Fix It. I'm like Bob the Builder "Jesus Version." I purposely pursue friendships to "mend" the other person, often state scriptures that back up my own ideas rather than God's, and here's the kicker--I don't feel vulnerable in the face of struggle. I feel equipped, in and of myself that is.
I am a human being whose flesh is not obedient to her biblical perspectives, and I forget this. I often feel that I am my own Jesus. I believe the lies. I believe the Christina Aguilera song that speaks of the voice within and the Disney movies that claim that one's own heart knows best. But...the heart is wicked and deceitful above all things. Not exactly the organ to put one's trust in huh?
So, the thing is...I left this bible study with a renewed understanding. I often think I am seeking God and am actually seeking myself. Hearing this Godly woman speak about strongholds the other night was like watching a large light bulb burst from the ground. For the first time in a long time, I got this new idea, this new understanding of why I can't fix my own life.A Sarolta Ban Piece
I figured out that though I would love to state that God is the stronghold in my life, this is not the case in practice. The stronghold in my life is...you guessed it...me. Not a very good stronghold. Certainly not a strong tower that the righteous run to and are safe. And most definitely not the type of stronghold that brings comfort and relief. I almost always play Mrs. Fix It. I'm like Bob the Builder "Jesus Version." I purposely pursue friendships to "mend" the other person, often state scriptures that back up my own ideas rather than God's, and here's the kicker--I don't feel vulnerable in the face of struggle. I feel equipped, in and of myself that is.
I am a human being whose flesh is not obedient to her biblical perspectives, and I forget this. I often feel that I am my own Jesus. I believe the lies. I believe the Christina Aguilera song that speaks of the voice within and the Disney movies that claim that one's own heart knows best. But...the heart is wicked and deceitful above all things. Not exactly the organ to put one's trust in huh?
So, the thing is...I left this bible study with a renewed understanding. I often think I am seeking God and am actually seeking myself. Hearing this Godly woman speak about strongholds the other night was like watching a large light bulb burst from the ground. For the first time in a long time, I got this new idea, this new understanding of why I can't fix my own life.
I wasn't meant to. I am not the Lord of my own Life no matter what Dr. Phil says. We were created to be dependent, to glorify. I have been kicking myself for months now, trying to figure why I can't mend the broken pieces called existence, called my emotions, called my family, called my deepest longings. Here's the explanation. Are you ready?
I am not God. I cannot be Him. Eve tried to know as He knew and failed. I fail at this too, Mrs. Eve. I understand you, babe. For years I have questioned why you made such a stupid move...You wanted to be independent. To exist on your own. Well, this is not the way we were created. I am a dependent and will be so until the end of time. Dependence on God. Dependence on His Word. Dependence on His love. Dependent on His definition of who I am. I am not my own, as the scripture says. I am bought with a price.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Looking Back...
I was reading through a few of my old myspace blogs from high school, and I discovered this one.
The Removal of Glasses:
Driving home for twelve hours in a car with three brother plotting against you is not the exact moment you woud expect a revelation; however, these things called revelations do occur at the strangest of times. As I was removing my glasses in the car to attempt to get some sleep, I began thinking that glasses, more specifically the removal of them, is a lot like our spiritual walk.
In case you don't know me, I suppose I must tell you that without my glasses I am completely blind. I often wear contacts simply because my glasses are so thick. When one removes glasses, their entire world becomes faded. The colors are dull and things that were once defined become blurry and undistinguished. This is a lot like the hard times in our lives when everything seems out of focus. It is in these times that we cry out to God the most because without His guidance, we KNOW that we will certainly fall, fail, and/or mistake bad choices for good ones. The removal of glasses at this moment in life, when many of us are heading off to college, becomes an allegory for the undefined nature of the future.
Many of my friends are stressing over where they will go to college, what they will do with their lives, what their ten year plan is. Put simply, when you can't see where you're going, life becomes more difficult and faith becomes a faded mess. I think Emily Mann put it best when she said that God's word is a lamp unto our feet, not a floodlight. A lamp shows incriments of the path; a floodlight the entire journey.
There is a beauty in the uncertain. It forces one to put their trust in God. When I remove my glasses or a contact falls out, I have to trust whoever I am with to lead me. God is best leader of all, and for some reason it is harder to trust Him than almost anyone else. Though I admit colors are skewed and items blurred when my perscriptions are removed, the world does, in a way, become beautiful--like a painting without definition that possesses meaning only known by the artist. My canvas' meaning is only known to my God, and that is one of the most glorious promises of all. So if you don't know how you want your life to pan out, smile and rejoice for you have the gift of an opportunity for faith to shine through your confusion.
It's amazing. I typed these words myself in 2008, yet during these past two years of college I have not "smiled and rejoiced" when confusion reared its ugly head. Instead, I have fought with God. I have played the part of the nagging wife, constantly doubting what God has has in store for me, arguing with His will, distrusting His leadership. It's easy to type out words of wisdom when one doesn't have to heed these words...when the words are for other people. I have always been hard on others when they give advice that they later don't follow, but there is a gap between words that spew out of the mouth when peace resides and actions and feelings that spew out of the heart in times of struggle. So, note to self: Stop hating on people who don't practice what they preach. Look at the board in your own eye, and realize that sometimes your advice, yes yours, Calli Cleary, comes back to bite you in the butt. Just sayin'!
The Removal of Glasses:
Driving home for twelve hours in a car with three brother plotting against you is not the exact moment you woud expect a revelation; however, these things called revelations do occur at the strangest of times. As I was removing my glasses in the car to attempt to get some sleep, I began thinking that glasses, more specifically the removal of them, is a lot like our spiritual walk.
In case you don't know me, I suppose I must tell you that without my glasses I am completely blind. I often wear contacts simply because my glasses are so thick. When one removes glasses, their entire world becomes faded. The colors are dull and things that were once defined become blurry and undistinguished. This is a lot like the hard times in our lives when everything seems out of focus. It is in these times that we cry out to God the most because without His guidance, we KNOW that we will certainly fall, fail, and/or mistake bad choices for good ones. The removal of glasses at this moment in life, when many of us are heading off to college, becomes an allegory for the undefined nature of the future.
Many of my friends are stressing over where they will go to college, what they will do with their lives, what their ten year plan is. Put simply, when you can't see where you're going, life becomes more difficult and faith becomes a faded mess. I think Emily Mann put it best when she said that God's word is a lamp unto our feet, not a floodlight. A lamp shows incriments of the path; a floodlight the entire journey.
There is a beauty in the uncertain. It forces one to put their trust in God. When I remove my glasses or a contact falls out, I have to trust whoever I am with to lead me. God is best leader of all, and for some reason it is harder to trust Him than almost anyone else. Though I admit colors are skewed and items blurred when my perscriptions are removed, the world does, in a way, become beautiful--like a painting without definition that possesses meaning only known by the artist. My canvas' meaning is only known to my God, and that is one of the most glorious promises of all. So if you don't know how you want your life to pan out, smile and rejoice for you have the gift of an opportunity for faith to shine through your confusion.
It's amazing. I typed these words myself in 2008, yet during these past two years of college I have not "smiled and rejoiced" when confusion reared its ugly head. Instead, I have fought with God. I have played the part of the nagging wife, constantly doubting what God has has in store for me, arguing with His will, distrusting His leadership. It's easy to type out words of wisdom when one doesn't have to heed these words...when the words are for other people. I have always been hard on others when they give advice that they later don't follow, but there is a gap between words that spew out of the mouth when peace resides and actions and feelings that spew out of the heart in times of struggle. So, note to self: Stop hating on people who don't practice what they preach. Look at the board in your own eye, and realize that sometimes your advice, yes yours, Calli Cleary, comes back to bite you in the butt. Just sayin'!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Feeling Borrower Size
Lately, I've been thinking about the smallness of my life. There's a scene in the movie You've Got Mail that always comes to mind when I ponder this smallness. In the scene, Meg Ryan is typing out an email. She writes, "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" I think this quote describes the way I feel about my life right now. I know that I am serving my family and that I'm just starting a job and a potential ministry, but I still can't shake the feeling that I am so very small and insignificant. I can remind myself that, because I belong to Christ, I can truly make a change in the world. After all, the Holy Spirit dwells in me and that is a big deal!
I can also remind myself of the beautiful words that different Covenant professors have used to describe the significance of human life. Dr. Ward use to say that we, as Christians, are like the threads sewn into a giant quilt. We are all a small part of the God story that is and has been in the making since the dawn of time. The past, present, and future generations are bound together by this common fabric, and though we may be small in the grand scheme of things, we do make a difference. Each thread connects adjoining threads and emphasises a different color in the pattern of God's story. Ideas like this bring me comfort, but I still, at times, feel utterly tiny and unaccomplished. I suppose, unlike most of my blogs, in this one, I offer no advice or significant thoughts that lead to a predetermined conclusion. I am simply questioning why it is that even though we belong to a God who is incredibly grand we sometimes question whether we matter. We matter because of whose we are, but this is hard to remember in a world that seems so large and so full of pain. Why is it that I continually come back to this place of discouragement? If I could find out why, maybe...just maybe...I could prevent the apathy that is a result of this hopeless, small feeling.
I can also remind myself of the beautiful words that different Covenant professors have used to describe the significance of human life. Dr. Ward use to say that we, as Christians, are like the threads sewn into a giant quilt. We are all a small part of the God story that is and has been in the making since the dawn of time. The past, present, and future generations are bound together by this common fabric, and though we may be small in the grand scheme of things, we do make a difference. Each thread connects adjoining threads and emphasises a different color in the pattern of God's story. Ideas like this bring me comfort, but I still, at times, feel utterly tiny and unaccomplished. I suppose, unlike most of my blogs, in this one, I offer no advice or significant thoughts that lead to a predetermined conclusion. I am simply questioning why it is that even though we belong to a God who is incredibly grand we sometimes question whether we matter. We matter because of whose we are, but this is hard to remember in a world that seems so large and so full of pain. Why is it that I continually come back to this place of discouragement? If I could find out why, maybe...just maybe...I could prevent the apathy that is a result of this hopeless, small feeling.
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