So, I don't mean to start griping right after I posted an encouraging note on this blog, but I have a few things I simply need to type out. Hardly anyone even reads this thing, but honestly it doesn't much matter. I've been using it to get thoughts and emotions out so that I won't go crazy this summer. So here's the thoughts that are plaguing my mind tonight...
I've been discovering that though I tend to think I have all of these great friendships, I got most of them because of connections with other people. I've been seeing that though others care about me, they care about the more interesting people to a greater degree. I'm honestly not as outgoing, crazy fun, and spontaneous as I once was. These aspects are still part of my personality, but I've also become more grounded. Grounded people are not as sought out these days. I am no longer the life of the party who must always be invited. I'm boring. Commonplace. Mature. It's funny that I never noticed that my connections to crazier folks are the things that actually bring me into the social world most of the time. I'm not saying that I desire this huge group of people to want to be a part of my life all of the time or that I need to be the center of attention. I don't. What I am saying is that a lot of my friendships that are not as valid as I once thought.
People send me emails asking for other people's addresses all of the time. People call me to get lists of other people to invite to parties. I'm the chick with the connections, but I am not the main person who others want around. They want the people I have in my back pocket around, and though this speaks highly of my choice in exciting friends...it also means that I am often not valued for me. I am valued for what I have to offer. I am discovering that this has been the case for most of my life.
People only call when they want advice. People call me when they want to have a good cry and hear some bible verses. People call me when they want a night out with a big group because they know I can make it happen. People call me when they need a job, a house, etc. because they know I won't quit until I find them what they need. People call me when they feel uncreative. I quote poets or say inspiring things on nature walks, and these things are used for paintings, pieces of literature, or an impetus to get the creative juices flowing in the first place. Being used as a vessel for God is great, but being used period is not.
Returning home to Lexington after living six and half hours away for so long has been hard as well. I know that in order to make friends you have to seek them out, and I am beginning to do so. But, I must say that it gets harder when you return home a stranger. I'm not the girl most people remember. I feel like the new girl in high school who everyone finds admirable but no one finds worthy of pursuing. Girls tell me I'm pretty, and we chat a bit. Guys look at me like they find the way I speak of God to be inspiring. But both look at me like they don't know me, don't understand me, like I am some weird new vase that they don't want to invest in. I'm good for displaying at bible studies, and I'm great for calling when things get bad. But no one ever puts flowers in me. No one ever wants me for me. No one ever seeks me out.
I know that real connections take time, but I am only here for the summer. I feel like I am pouring myself out only to be left empty over and over again. I know that God fills me up and that He works best when when we are empty. But I feel so used. Unvalued. You fill in the blank. I don't mean to ramble on and say depressing things. I suppose I just needed to vent.
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