Looking Back...

I was reading through a few of my old myspace blogs from high school, and I discovered this one.

The Removal of Glasses:

Driving home for twelve hours in a car with three brother plotting against you is not the exact moment you woud expect a revelation; however, these things called revelations do occur at the strangest of times. As I was removing my glasses in the car to attempt to get some sleep, I began thinking that glasses, more specifically the removal of them, is a lot like our spiritual walk.

In case you don't know me, I suppose I must tell you that without my glasses I am completely blind. I often wear contacts simply because my glasses are so thick. When one removes glasses, their entire world becomes faded. The colors are dull and things that were once defined become blurry and undistinguished. This is a lot like the hard times in our lives when everything seems out of focus. It is in these times that we cry out to God the most because without His guidance, we KNOW that we will certainly fall, fail, and/or mistake bad choices for good ones. The removal of glasses at this moment in life, when many of us are heading off to college, becomes an allegory for the undefined nature of the future.

Many of my friends are stressing over where they will go to college, what they will do with their lives, what their ten year plan is. Put simply, when you can't see where you're going, life becomes more difficult and faith becomes a faded mess. I think Emily Mann put it best when she said that God's word is a lamp unto our feet, not a floodlight. A lamp shows incriments of the path; a floodlight the entire journey.

There is a beauty in the uncertain. It forces one to put their trust in God. When I remove my glasses or a contact falls out, I have to trust whoever I am with to lead me. God is best leader of all, and for some reason it is harder to trust Him than almost anyone else. Though I admit colors are skewed and items blurred when my perscriptions are removed, the world does, in a way, become beautiful--like a painting without definition that possesses meaning only known by the artist. My canvas' meaning is only known to my God, and that is one of the most glorious promises of all. So if you don't know how you want your life to pan out, smile and rejoice for you have the gift of an opportunity for faith to shine through your confusion.

It's amazing. I typed these words myself in 2008, yet during these past two years of college I have not "smiled and rejoiced" when confusion reared its ugly head. Instead, I have fought with God. I have played the part of the nagging wife, constantly doubting what God has has in store for me, arguing with His will, distrusting His leadership. It's easy to type out words of wisdom when one doesn't have to heed these words...when the words are for other people. I have always been hard on others when they give advice that they later don't follow, but there is a gap between words that spew out of the mouth when peace resides and actions and feelings that spew out of the heart in times of struggle. So, note to self: Stop hating on people who don't practice what they preach. Look at the board in your own eye, and realize that sometimes your advice, yes yours, Calli Cleary, comes back to bite you in the butt. Just sayin'!