Feeling Borrower Size

Lately, I've been thinking about the smallness of my life. There's a scene in the movie You've Got Mail that always comes to mind when I ponder this smallness. In the scene, Meg Ryan is typing out an email. She writes, "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" I think this quote describes the way I feel about my life right now. I know that I am serving my family and that I'm just starting a job and a potential ministry, but I still can't shake the feeling that I am so very small and insignificant. I can remind myself that, because I belong to Christ, I can truly make a change in the world. After all, the Holy Spirit dwells in me and that is a big deal!

I can also remind myself of the beautiful words that different Covenant professors have used to describe the significance of human life. Dr. Ward use to say that we, as Christians, are like the threads sewn into a giant quilt. We are all a small part of the God story that is and has been in the making since the dawn of time. The past, present, and future generations are bound together by this common fabric, and though we may be small in the grand scheme of things, we do make a difference. Each thread connects adjoining threads and emphasises a different color in the pattern of God's story. Ideas like this bring me comfort, but I still, at times, feel utterly tiny and unaccomplished. I suppose, unlike most of my blogs, in this one, I offer no advice or significant thoughts that lead to a predetermined conclusion. I am simply questioning why it is that even though we belong to a God who is incredibly grand we sometimes question whether we matter. We matter because of whose we are, but this is hard to remember in a world that seems so large and so full of pain. Why is it that I continually come back to this place of discouragement? If I could find out why, maybe...just maybe...I could prevent the apathy that is a result of this hopeless, small feeling.