The Rebirth of an Understanding

The other night I was at a very Godly woman's house for a bible study. We were having a group discussion about a study called "Living Free" by Beth Moore. Now...I have been to my share of bible studies, and normally I leave with a happy yet unchanged heart. I understand that this is not a good thing and is probably the result of an unteachable spirit which results from pride (my personal Black Death). After this one, however, I left with a nail in my left atrium. We discussed the strongholds in our lives.

I figured out that though I would love to state that God is the stronghold in my life, this is not the case in practice. The stronghold in my life is...you guessed it...me. Not a very good stronghold. Certainly not a strong tower that the righteous run to and are safe. And most definitely not the type of stronghold that brings comfort and relief. I almost always play Mrs. Fix It. I'm like Bob the Builder "Jesus Version." I purposely pursue friendships to "mend" the other person, often state scriptures that back up my own ideas rather than God's, and here's the kicker--I don't feel vulnerable in the face of struggle. I feel equipped, in and of myself that is.

I am a human being whose flesh is not obedient to her biblical perspectives, and I forget this. I often feel that I am my own Jesus. I believe the lies. I believe the Christina Aguilera song that speaks of the voice within and the Disney movies that claim that one's own heart knows best. But...the heart is wicked and deceitful above all things. Not exactly the organ to put one's trust in huh?

So, the thing is...I left this bible study with a renewed understanding. I often think I am seeking God and am actually seeking myself. Hearing this Godly woman speak about strongholds the other night was like watching a large light bulb burst from the ground. For the first time in a long time, I got this new idea, this new understanding of why I can't fix my own life.

A Sarolta Ban Piece

I wasn't meant to. I am not the Lord of my own Life no matter what Dr. Phil says. We were created to be dependent, to glorify. I have been kicking myself for months now, trying to figure why I can't mend the broken pieces called existence, called my emotions, called my family, called my deepest longings. Here's the explanation. Are you ready?

I am not God. I cannot be Him. Eve tried to know as He knew and failed. I fail at this too, Mrs. Eve. I understand you, babe. For years I have questioned why you made such a stupid move...You wanted to be independent. To exist on your own. Well, this is not the way we were created. I am a dependent and will be so until the end of time. Dependence on God. Dependence on His Word. Dependence on His love. Dependent on His definition of who I am. I am not my own, as the scripture says. I am bought with a price.